Grace for the Unfeeling Era
There was something very profound about a recent deep conversation with my partner of 25 years and the realization that there are two (if not more) ways we ignore our feelings and our needs and desires.
First, there is the masking that is intended to not feel the feelings at all. To not identify them or bring awareness to them when they arise within us, but rather to compartmentalize and stay so busy, so active in the doing that you don’t have time, energy, or awareness to even acknowledge the feelings.
I refer to this method of madness as my “unfeeling era”. My unfeeling era lasted from age 18, maybe 19, to age 33. Upon reflection of this phase of life, it’s interesting that so many beautiful life events happened during this time but I can’t really tap or feel into the emotions or the feelings that I had during that time.
I numbed the feelings that I did have with alcohol and buried them with an avalanche of striving in my career. I recall specific times in my professional career where I joked about my ability to ruthlessly compartmentalize my boys, my relationships, and my home life, because work-life was so critically important to who I was that I wouldn’t even allow the seepage of feelings, emotions, and disruption to enter my consciousness.
The unfeeling era is marked by so many key life milestones but none of the richness of recalling through the five senses or through my emotional connection to them. I actually feel detached from the moments that mattered the most. I see this now with a degree of sadness over not being able to tap into the feelings that should have been so rich, so engaging, and wonderful. But I also know that grace and self-compassion is the way through these feelings.
The second way that I have ignored my feelings is not so much by “unfeeling” them but instead by not sharing or showing them. Significant swaths of my unfeeling era were marked by not feeling safe enough, loved enough, worthy enough to share what I’m actually feeling – first with myself and then also with others. The root of this “unfeeling” problem is more about the fear of abandonment or fear of loss of love if I show my true feelings.
I can see it now in the way that I didn’t create safety within myself and therefore was challenged to create enough safety with others to allow my guard down to feel and share my feelings with others. It was an active effort to reduce the appearance of any given emotion – too joyful then something bad may happen; too emotional then I won’t be respected, and so on.
“The hardest step is the one that separates us from the ordinary.” – Papaji
The Feeling Era – A Beautiful Blessing
While it has been a jarring and at times overwhelming experience to enter my recent feeling era, it is an incredible improvement to actually feel my emotions and to also feel more comfortable feeling and sharing the highs and the lows of being human.
In short, it has made the pain and the sorrow and the gratitude and the joy more visceral, in all of my senses. I can almost taste the experiences that contain these big emotions and there is a vibrancy to the past four and a half years that I just can’t see or feel into prior to this awakening to my feeling era.
To accelerate the feeling era, I also made the intentional choice to stop drinking in 2022. It’s been more than 550 days without alcohol and the effects on my ability to recognize, feel, and then release an emotion have been profound. I am better able to recognize what feels nourishing, energizing, or joyful and that which doesn’t fill my cup. I cry more easily but I also laugh so much more freely.
To unburden myself from the external pressures to be polished and unfeeling was a purely self-discovery process. It didn’t begin because anyone told me to release my grip on outside appearance or to stop shoving down my feelings. My awareness of feeling began as a result of experiencing deep pain and trauma and building my sense of self back in a way that incorporated the strongest feeling parts of myself. To do otherwise was to eliminate the richness of my new life.
And what a beautiful blessing these feeling years have been.
